I be a channel that is continually nourished?
How can I “do” while “be-ing”?
I can't afford to be so fast anymore. I need to learn to slow down, put out the fire out in my hair, but somehow keep it alive in my heart. Nature creates, and we are part of nature, and so must create. Yet that drive to create can suck the very life out of us, if it's not also flowing back into us. Much like a woman making a baby, and then feeding that baby, it's easy to become depleted. And being alive and creating life is a kind of long-term lease we have with the Universe.
As a wise woman recently shared with me - we pay a price for wisdom, of which white hair and wrinkles are outward metaphors. We pay some of our youth, our innocence, so that we might know eternity and grace. Aging is a blessing. But what these last years have taught me, are teaching me - is that without my own sanity and well-being, without my own continuous prayer which is pleasure, which is rest, then the reason for "making" becomes obsolete. And without nurturing my own healing, what can I offer others? This beauty created outside of me, doesn't need to be.
In all honesty, I haven’t mastered the art of creating my work and feeding myself adequately in the process. The way I used to create wasn’t sustainable. I know I can’t do things the old way, but I don’t yet know the new way. It;s too easy for me to stay up till 3am writing. And rest is foundational; I’m working on my foundation. My journey to Peru was one in search of soul-body-mind replenishment. As a pre-requisite, I had to relinquish my notions of a “self”, including as a maker, and just be in a long rite of passage. Much of that time wasn’t peaceful; it was often lonely and difficult, but immeasurably precious. Yet while it’s a blessing to have a moment of peace in a remote cave, one has eventually to enter fully back into the world of Samsara and remember what it is to be inside that cave in the middle of the crazyiness.
So, it's been nearly 7 years since I decided I would make ritual + theatre my primary avenues of service and craft. I've broken through, broken-down, burned bright, burnt-out and journied far beyond the edges of my “self”. I used up all the golden fuel of my 20s on a dozen different lifetimes lived in that decade alone, as an anti-establishment rebel with a cause: i.e. lover of Life, Beauty + Resurrection of the human heart, at-tempting solo bicycle tours and generally getting myself in a bunch of unwanted trouble. I don't have any money, awards or fame to show for all this. But I do have some beautiful memories of crafting Beauty out of my own and our shared grief. If so much is dying that’s worth grieving, then I needed to grieve it and create ways for us all to, as well as somehow lift up our hearts in a world that’s often times disappointing and cruel. If we are so separated in this modern compartmentalized world, I needed to feel intimacy with others in that “village” way that only ritual + theatre provided me. If my heart could give birth, it would create art in adoration of the Erotic that refuses to die by capitalism, convention or fear (my own and that of the world.)
Now, I'm called once again to create. And even my Leo Rising is terrified at the thought of it; meaning I don't know if I have what it takes to do this. I seem to have lost the blessing of the care-free-ness of youth and a certain un-daunted-ness by what most people regard as “impossible” or at best “un-realistic”. I’ve always set out to create something, and trusted (more or less) that somehow it would happen, and it always has. So this must be another test of faith. In moments I doubt my capacity to be a channel for pure magic: like pulling rabbits out of hats and pushing babies out of vaginas. (Because we are talking about metaphoric babies really, not just rabbits.) I mean something that could possibly LAST beyond “me” or my lifetime. For this I will need abundant universal energies made manifest into 3D: i.e. grand hither-to unimagined sums of money + un-paralleled real-time support (and a lot of generous people have helped me over the years, I don’t forget you. And here it is, all over again: hit the refresh button.) I ask myself “Will I go the way of faith again, because it’s the only real thing? Do I believe I’m worthy of abundance? Do I believe this creation is worthy of support? Do I believe it's simply the future memory of my ancestors coming into form, and therefore, its fruition inevitable?”
I don’t feel ready, but like they say, you’re never fully prepared to have a baby. And it's been calling me a while now, and I don't want to ignore it or postpone it forever until the moment years from now when I may actually be ready (because in that sense, tomorrow never comes, tomorrow is never promised.) Is this because I'm stubborn or because of destiny + dharma? The more I am alive, the more I get hip to the fact that I’m just an instrument through which my ancestors breath desires to flow. A good instrument though, requires care and re-tuning. My creations are best when I am in full communion. I become me. And who is me? But the ensemble, or the river, or the wind, or the full and empty rooms of a house overflowing with eloquence?
photo credit: Janine Strong